Monday, 6 April 2009

A Lazy Weekend Taking Over Middle-Earth

Hang a gold cord down from heaven, and all you gods and goddesses take hold of it: but you could not pull Zeus, the counsellor most high, down from heaven to the ground, however long and hard you laboured. But whenever I had a mind to pull in earnest, I could haul you up, earth and sea and all – then I could hitch the cord round a peak of Olympus, so that everything was then left hanging in midair. That is how superior I am to gods and men.
– Zeus, The Iliad

The earth is shaking
Because of His wrath
The mountains tremble
At the sound of His voice
He pulls down the sky
To crush His enemies
He descends upon them with fire
He is clothed in greatness
His voice resounds throughout the earth
His vengeance no longer is contained
His light destroys the darkness
If He speaks the earth will crumble
If He moves the universe will fall
He is clothed in greatness

- Becoming the Archetype, The End of the Age

At some point in our lives we all dream of taking over the world and ruling it with an iron fist; but unlike Hitler or Mugabe most of us are actually sane and know not get ahead of ourselves. I spent most of my weekend listening to the lead singer of Becoming the Archetype boom out lyrics of God’s greatness in his thundering voice as I sent my vast armies of Nύmenόrean descent across the plains of Mordor in The Battle for Middle-Earth 2 – crushing all who would dare oppose me. I was not trying to be blasphemous and compare myself to God; no, not by any means. I was just feeling very powerful as I ordered virtual soldiers to do my bidding and the music served as a muse of sorts. I felt like Zeus surely must feel in Greek mythology as he sits on his throne atop Mount Olympus, using his power to meddle in the affairs of humankind.

When you read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows you were told that Lord Voldemort died. If you believed this I’m sorry to tell you that you are a gullible fool because Voldemort did not perish in that battle with snot-nosed Potter, I spirited him away to Middle-Earth using my godlike powers. He now commands my armies for me alongside Gandalf and Galadriel. Sauron sits trembling on his black throne as my army marches through Mordor to annihilate him. I have also slain that foul creature who calls himself Gollum before he could get the chance to lose the Ring to Bilbo in a silly game of riddles. I’ve taken the ring and given it to Galadriel as she is the only one powerful enough to wield it against Sauron – she will become corrupted by the Ring in the process but I do not care about such trivialities.

Mwahahaha, mwahahaha... cough, cough.