Setting Fire to Life

Hello my furry friends,

First things first (never second): I love you guys! Each and every one of you. I love how beautiful, intelligent, patient and just generally awesome you are. I would like to marry each and every one of you guys and because I'm Xhosa-ish I can. I'll get cows and everything. It'll be nice.

Second things second (never first): I'm falling in love with this rag called life and I'm setting it on fire, arsonist that I am. My life pretty much sucks right now but God gave me amazing friends and some useful family members to help me on my journey to becoming the absolute best that I can be. If I'm going to set my life on fire I might as well do so with the best team available to me.

Phoenix Rising

Here's the bulletproof plan:

1. Land the epic librarian gig I've been gunning for all this time. I would be South Africa's best librarian. No question about it. Books, talking with and helping people are where it's (I'm not too sure what 'it' is) at for me. I am also interested in the Big Five literacy programmes that the City of Johannesburg's libraries host annually - that's my wheelhouse and all.

Jo'burg Libraries

2. Be money wise. The thing that always kicks me in the head all the time is that I am stupid with my money. I'm sad to admit that I'm too compulsive a creature and that I go too far in spending money on too many things that aren't important for progress in my life. That's not cool and I should stop it. Just stop it, Charlie. *the moving, wagging finger*

3. My new favourite real life hero is Pierre Spies. He's, like, so totally awesome hey. The man's just a tank whose life is on Wizard's Fire. He is the inspiration behind my new workout routine and health plan. This guy. He's rad-ical. I also want to buy a mountain bike and hit the off-road for that adventurous healthy sort of lifestyle.

Pierre Spies

4. I miss taking some time out, connecting with the 'verse and talking to the Big G. I should do more of that, more of the time. I miss You Big G, I miss our dialogue. Please forgive me for being silent for so long. I also miss C.S. Lewis and Peter Kreeft a lot. Those guys know God's heart very intimately.

5. Work harder. Work smarter. I'm the laziest person I know and it's my lethargy that's been the source of many a failure of mine. I'm also pretty dumb about how I work. I've no plan of attack; I just wing it, which ain't too efficient or sensible. This is one of the important tasks to get done.

6. Read more. A book a week keeps the ignorance away. I want to expand my reading material to more than comic books, graphic novels, horror, fantasy and sci-fi novels. I'm going to annihilate the 101 Books to Read Before You Die list this year. Bam! Just like that. Better and smarter Charlie, always a hit at upper crust parties.

7. Game more. I miss gaming and tech so much that my soul actually hurts. Gaming is to me what boobs (lol) are to awesomeness - essential dammit! I have so many titles to catch up with: replay Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2 in preparation for Mass Effect 3, Skyrim, Batman: Arkham City, Deus Ex: Human Evolution and many other titles beside.

8. Get my driver's licence. This one has been a thorn in my side for some time and it's time to be a road warrior and just do it once and for all. Get it out of the way as they say. Also, there's the fact that bitches love being driven around in cars and stuff.

9. Be adventurous and tick off exciting things on the impromptu (we'll pretend I know what that means) bucket list: surfing, sky diving, banging dirty hippies with ginger dreadlocks, climbing a mountain - any one will do - and winning fights against annoying assholes.

10. Finally, do some good for change. I'm a fan of literacy programmes so I'll do something selfless along those lines.

Okay. That's the list, give or give a few more items. Other than Pierre Spies, and a host of others, I'm being my own hero. No cape, no tights or cool Bat toys - just me.

Thank you for sticking around and indulging me my little speech. I ask only that you join me in forging (I like that word - and know what it means) an alliance of everyday heroes that set the 'verse alight by being super awesome at living our lives.

Fire Dragon

Also, happy Chinese New Year for tomorrow.

Running Away From Home

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you." - Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse

Okay, so I've tried this whole running away thing before... around 12 years ago. I had it all planned out too. BMX? Check. Sandwhich wrapped in a polka dot handkerchief? Check. Grand departure speech to make my mother miss me and feel guilty about shouting at me? Check. Too bad my mother reacted in a rather laclustre manner to the whole business. All she said was, "Okay, see you around." WTF?! My grand plan of making her miss me and regret letting me go for the rest of her life failed when, a few hours into my adventure, I got hungry and pedalled home to get more food. Only to be greeted by my mom and her sarcastic remark: "So, you're back?" Now, at age 24, and with my life in the toilet I've got this running away business figured out. Don't even mess with me. My plan is rock solid. I'm running away to become homeless in Jeffreys Bay, like I had planned almost 3 years ago. I'm going to become a surfer/bum.

The Plan

In this life one needs a Plan, a towel, a tie and a hammer to make it big. If you’re lacking any of these tools be assured that your name will never go down in the annals of history as a person who was legend. The last three items on the list are easily acquired by anyone 21st Century-savvy enough to walk into a store or two and fork out some cash (which can be acquired through begging, stealing or by being employed). The Plan, though, is the nut-kicker. Without a solid Plan things will not fall into place for you.

Have you ever see Ocean’s Eleven? Yes? Good. George Clooney and his gang are people with a rock solid Plan in that movie. So much so that they went and carried out their Plan in two more movies. That’s the sort of thing you should be aiming for with your Plan.

Everyone wants to win at life and keep on winning till the day they die. Some people are so good at winning that they do so even after they’re dead. These are the people who have their names spoken in hushed tones of reverence. They are legend and had a solid Plan.

What constitutes a solid Plan though?

First things first: a list.

Ask yourself what you want in life and jot it down, every little thing you want. A lightsaber, super powers, Wonder Woman as your girlfriend, to become a surgeon, 2.5 kids, a bat mobile, jot everything down. If you’re going to make a list, you might as well make a proper list. It’s no use messing around.

With that out of the way you have to ask yourself how much effort you will need to invest into getting the ridiculous stuff on your list. This, alas, is the part where you have to be realistic. The best way to go about attaining your desires is to get hold of money, loads of it. The more money you can get the easier it will be to get people who are much more intelligent than you are to spend all their time finding a way to get you super powers.

The coolest way of making loads of money is to rob a bank and use that money to start a lucrative crime syndicate that allows you to have your grubby paws in every cookie jar on the shelf. It is recommended that you spend a few years on this part of the Plan. Also, try avoiding going to jail if you can. If you do get caught spend your time behind bars getting a business degree of some sort and doing push-ups. Use every step in the Plan as a learning experience. The only thing that can stop you is death – avoid it at all costs.

You will know you’ve made it to the top when you find yourself at the head of a boardroom table at the top floor of a skyscraper, surrounded by shady crime bosses clad in Armani suits and whose faces are wreathed in Cuban cigar smoke. Also, you’ll be donning a very snazzy tie and own several comfortable towels. It’s at this point in your life that you can get everything on your list by means of bribery and/or intimidation by way of hammer-wielding thugs (dressed as Thor if you like). Patience, that most admirable of virtues, would be a great addition to your repertoire at this stage (if the years of working on the Plan failed to bestow it upon you – you slow learner, you) but if you do get a little impatient once in a while torture a henchman or two – it’s such a great way to release all your pent-up emotions.

That, furry friends, is how you win at life.


Disclaimer: George Clooney gives this Plan his approval as being rock solid. Also, he is Batman with nipples. That is all. As you were.