Letters to God #2

Dear God,

Pieces of Letters to God

Hello, I hope You're well today. It's raining here again, but that's in my head only. I guess You know that though, but it's still cool telling You all these mundane things. It's like in that Jeffrey Archer story where bargaining with the Turkish rug dealers over a cup of coffee is an enjoyable part of the interaction. I'm feeling a shade of colour between blue and green, I'm not really sure what that's about to tell You the truth. It's just one of those days.

I'm still waiting on that bottled inspiration. I don't mean to rush You or anything but it would be useful right about now. There are things that need doing in this little life of mine. Thank You in advance.

Then there are all these people on the social networks always trying to emotionally blackmail me into loving You. Silly things like,'If you love God you will forward this and if you love the devil you won't.' That irks me very much. It's such religious masturbation! Are You opposed to smiting a few of these people? I'm even willing to work for You in that capacity - just riding around smiting a few ridiculous people, Ghost Rider style (silly movies, those). Mind You, I've not given the whole business much thought and I might end up not enjoying it and whining like a girl somewhere down the line. I'm just saying.

Tell me, do You think I should be going to Church again? Don my dragon helm and go to the meeting with Your other soldiers? I'm not much of a team player or anything useful like that, but, who knows, I could be of some use and those guys annoy me only a little bit. I don't even get bored and only rarely do I feel like arguing with anyone's views. I'll take my queue from You on that one. Send me a crop sign or something. I don't know.

"Don my dragon helm and go to the meeting with Your other soldiers?"  

Clearly these conversations are going to be somewhat ridiculous on my end. I know You have a ridiculous streak too though, so this might be a good thing. I look forward to those occasions during which we solve world hunger and then realise our plan is too elaborate to successfully implement. Travie wants to know what Your favourite brand is since the devil favours Prada and all. I want to know what Your favourite beer is and whether it's safe for Charlie consumption.

I'm feeling sleepy and Game's shouting in my ears about some city and the angels in it. I'm gonna go now. Have Yourself a great day. Much love. I'll pop in again soon.  

The Church's Badassery

'To go against the Church is to go against God.'

I went to go see Priest with Ms J. on Friday and it was so much better than I expected. Then again my expectations were based purely on the theatrical poster; I’d not seen a trailer or heard anything about it beforehand. I actually thought it was based on the Thief video game series. It’s actually, rather loosely, based on a graphic novel series though. Ms J. said let’s go see it and the Beanbag was game.

Now, I rarely like movies (or any other entertainment media) that are set in a dystopian or post-apocalyptic future because, to quote my friend, Dave (referring to Fallout 3), “[they] depress me”. Such movies have to be really good for me to put up with and Priest, though it’s not an excellent movie as such, was fun to watch. It has a villain simply referred to as Black Hat in the credits dammit! That’s total badassery. Also, there’s an army of crazy, animalistic vampires (who have no eyes) on a train, hell-bent on the destruction of a totalitarian city run by the Church. The manner in which the Church runs the city is brutal and I’d not like to live there. They do have awesome warrior priests that kick some vampire ass though. You can never go wrong with Holy men and women opening a can righteous ass whupping.

There’s a lot to be said about the big, bad Church... the Big BC as I fondly know it. I’ve always been intrigued by the Church’s rather violent history back in the day (as my tutlings refer to anything that happened more than a decade ago). Rome was badass I tell you! All the ways with which they came up with to kill people would sicken many a serial killer today. On warm summer days I sit on the grass under my favourite tree and wonder what the meeting was like when a handful of respectable Elders of the Church got together and agreed that boiling a guy was the way forward. I can just see them all nodding solemnly in agreement at the suggestion. I’d put my house... wait I don’t have one... I’d put my awesome four-year-old cousin, Lennie, down on a bet that the guy to put that option on the table was one of those Rasputin types that no one seems to know is crazy even though he looks freakin’ crazy!

Maybe I’m just not good at being a Christian but what was up with all that violence!? Am I misreading my Bible? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Jesus is naught but a sweet, gentle lamb. Lord no! He is also a fierce lion that fights for love’s cause, but why did they have to get all creative about torturing and killing people? I’d go with just hanging them or something simple. Even stoning is a quite excessive for my tastes.

Let me end off by playing devil's advocate and directing you to some of the Church's atrocities throughout history.

P.S. The moral of this story is don't mess with warrior priests or the Church, they will kick your ass... and the boil you alive.