Showing posts with label Neil Gaiman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Neil Gaiman. Show all posts

Thursday, 25 July 2024

July 2024: Strange Journeys #verloreinduitsland #DraaieSwaaie&Afdwaalpaaie #thelegendofmamlambo

 July 2024: Strange Journeys


The Legend of Mamlambo


2024 has been a wild ride so far. My mental health has been hanging on by a thread, but I've also been blessed with family and the joy of getting my writing projects out into the world. My short Afrikaans story, 'Verlore in Duitsland' (in the wonderful anthology Draaie, Swaaie en Afdwaalpaaie), and, dearest to my heart, my children's spooky book, The Legend of Mamlambo, are now out and available for everyone to read. That blows my mind.



Verlore in Duitsland, Draaie, Swaaie en Afdwaalpaaie, The Legend of Mamlambo.



Life has been its usual topsy-turvy self and I'm going with the flow and trying to find myself. I took Neil Gaiman's advice to make good when life is tough and that good art is in the world now. That brings me great joy.

Please get your hands on copies of the ebook versions of these two books and let me know what you think. Below are some links where you can get copies.

Happy reading!



Friday, 15 January 2021

Occasional Letters to Death #4

Visiting the Departed




Death is before me today:

Like the recovery of a sick man,

Like going forth into a garden after sickness.


Death is before me today:

Like the odor of myrrh,

Like sitting under a sail in a good wind.


Death is before me today:

Like the course of a stream,

Like the return of a man from the war-galley to his house.


Death is before me today:

Like the home that a man longs to see,

After years spent as a captive.


Neil Gaiman, Preludes & Nocturnes (The Sandman, #1)

 



Dear Death,


I spoke to four dead men today,

Their graves next to each other in my grandmother’s garden

I loved them all to varying degrees in Life

I love them to even more varying degrees in Death


The first man I spoke to was my grandfather

The degree to which I loved and love him is small,

As small as his mindedness was

But I was glad to swing by and say hello


The second man was sort of an adopted grandfather, I guess

He hung out at my grandmother’s house a lot

We all just went along with it

We all went along till he just became part of the family

I loved him in a pleasant sort of way

I still do

He told utterly fantastic stories that you could tell he utterly believed

He had an old-man smell that I liked


The third man I spoke to was my uncle, my Malume,

My mother’s older brother

He gave me some of his OCD

When I shine shoes or iron shirts, I think of him

I loved him

Even though he always shouted at me

I miss him and I am mad at him

He died in such a stupid way

Tuberculosis!

Treatable

He just had to take his pills


The last man I spoke to was my Malume too,

My mother’s middle brother

I loved him very much

He didn’t deserve it

He was trouble wearing a charming smile

We were all at peace the day he died too young

In Death, we all love him more than we did in Life


Thursday, 26 March 2020

Unpacking Trauma

“We was born to mothers who couldn't deal with us
Left by fathers who wouldn't build with us”

“Sometimes, I was held down by the gravity of my pen
Sometimes I was held down by the gravity of my sin
Sometimes, like Santiago, at crucial points of my novel, my only logical option was to transform into the wind”




Trauma runs deep in my generation, right down to our bones. It hit me for the very first time lying in bed recently how much I’ve achieved despite my numerous failures or, rather, a perception of numerous failures. I spend so much time with middle-class to outright wealthy people that I measure my levels of success by their standards. This is something that has been exacerbated by my move to Germany and spending time with Europeans. Many of these people are painfully average and have none of the tenacity many people from my type of background possess and yet they succeed because they come from a place of security. This is no fault of theirs and I don’t blame them in any way. I am also not taking away from the individual challenges that even privileged people face. What I am looking to do for myself and people in the same situation as me, is examine and unpack my own trauma and, perhaps, get some closure.


Our childhoods form us and continue to haunt us as adults. One thing that sticks out for me when I look back into my childhood is that I am a liar, through and through. Just a terrific liar. Much like Holden Caulfield in The Catcher in the Rye. I mostly lie about my wellbeing. If you ask me, I’m always okay. I don’t know how to tell people that I am, in fact, not okay, that I am falling apart. Lying about my wellbeing has been my go-to brand of protective mechanism. What’s really captured my fascination lately, though, is how I’ve lied to myself over the years. I’ve wanted to be like all my middle-class friends so long that I have downplayed my journey to where I am now. I’ve allowed myself to be crippled by depression because I can never measure up to some standard that was never even for me. All I’ve ever wanted was to be good enough. I’m that fish trying to climb trees alongside squirrels.

My thoughts have been time travelling back to the parts of my childhood that have always been too traumatic to deal with. I’m the child of domestic workers raised in backrooms. I’m the product of leaky roofs and sleeping on i-sponge on the floor. I grew up with the green bar of Sunlight and taking baths in a waskom. I would never go to bed on an empty belly because my grandmother made sure we at least had a loaf brown and tea to break our fast and pap and cabbage to quiet the stomach rumblings before bed. I was raised by a grandmother who made less than R2000.00 a month. I was raised by a single mother who worked piece jobs, tying together small pieces of income to make ends meet.

Growing up, I was told that I’m smart and that positive reinforcement played a huge role in how I saw myself, it gave me the confidence to compete in school. I did well, but not a well as I know I could. My academic journey from primary school to high school was pretty much a gradual and somewhat graceful arc of good marks. I made it to university where, rather than a graceful arc, my academic performance became a herky-jerky line from one crisis to another. I look back at my time in university and it’s a time a remember fondly but also one where I feel I suffered failures that follow me to this day. I should’ve done better and I beat myself up quite a lot for that time. With my external circumstances, I did the best that I could, though. I need to recognise that when I had the mental breakdowns I did in university I had no support. No one in my family could guide me through that territory because I was the first person in my family to traverse that territory. I needed mentorship but tried to carry all of that weight on my shoulders. My mountain was higher than that of many of my peers but I didn’t know because I kept looking at them scale their mountains and feeling like I was not as good as they are. For people like me sometimes just showing up at a place is the victory, but showing up isn’t enough, you still have to complete the task at hand.

My measuring stick has been way off and I have never taken the time to sit back and celebrate any of my victories. I’m sitting here, right now, living in another country and I feel down when, looking back, every part of my life is a resounding success. It’s like Neil Gaiman said of his tremendous success with his comic book series, The Sandman, that he never heeded Stephen King’s advice to enjoy his success. Instead of enjoying his success, he spent the time worrying about it. I remembered this when the children’s book I co-wrote was published and enjoyed every moment of people coming out to support the book. But I still forget to do this with other parts of my life. It’s good to pause and look back at how far one has come. Sure, I’ve not achieved as much success as I would’ve liked and many of my peers are doing much better than I am but I haven’t done as bad as my anxiety would have me believe either. And in this age of Instagram where we only see the best foot that people put forward, you also can’t just assume that people are doing better than you because we hide our struggles. All each of us can do is be sensitive to what others are going through and to continue to learn to know and improve ourselves.

The main reason I’m trying to delve into my childhood trauma is that I want to write a novel and I am scared to death of the task at hand. The world is on lockdown because of the Coronavirus outbreak so I have time to focus on the task but panic and fear of failure are holding me back. What if I write a book and it’s not good enough? So, I’m sitting here trying to write through those childhood mental blocks. Looking back to move forward, as it were.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

To-do List

It's 2014 and this means only one thing! It's time to draw up a to-do list. That's important, right? How else will I know what to do over the next few months? Yes, a to-do list is totally legit.



Let's jump right into it then. Any weird and wild suggestions like world domination are most welcome on your part.

I have two really big things that hold me back in life; two really big hurdles that I must overcome in order to be a cooler kid than the rest. Laziness. Fear. I hate these fuckers with every string of my being (I'm a String Theorist at heart)! I want to do more with my time and energy. I need to do more with my time and energy. I worry about time a lot and always feel I should be using it as efficiently as possible. It's just that I don't because I'm too busy lying on the couch worrying about time. It's pretty much like that play, Waiting for Godot, it's goddamn awful! Not that I don't have a fond place in my heart for that play or lying on couches. I might have to see a doctor about this come to think of it. I am lazy but I also almost always feel very fatigued even if I don't do anything too strenuous.



So first on the list: overcome laziness. This is an ongoing affair that I'll have to deal with everyday of my life. Everyday I will wake up and fight the good fight, the bad fight and even the losing fight. Have you ever read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Silmarillion? No? You really should. Put it on your to-do list. At any rate, the High Elves in the stories are fighting what they call The Long Defeat against the first dark lord, Morgoth. They are involved in a war that spans thousands of years with this one guy... entity or whatever you want to call him and they bear it with the utmost grace. Sure, they lose their composure and do some stupid things like betray each other but overall they hold out till the very end. My battle with laziness shall be on that scale! Minus the thousands of years. A visit to the good ol' doctor for a check-up also goes under this entry on the list. Might as well see if all my parts are functioning as they should.

Bon Iver's cover of Peter Gabriel's Come Talk to Me always echoes the words, 'Whatever fear invents, I swear it makes no sense' in my head. Those words are so very true but fear has a power over people, over me. I know lots of the things that I should do but I am scared and that is not a good way to live. I have huge fears that tower over me like buildings and I have small fears that follow me around like shadows. This is another Long Defeat I'm engaging in. I will fight fear on every front of my life. I will stumble and I will fall but I will always get up and fight. I will crush my fears. I will crush them in 2014, I will crush them in 2024. Whatever the year, as long as I'm here and breathing I will crush fear!

(Dramatic much?)
(Also, check this out: What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid)

Managing just those two entries on my list will open so much more of the world to me. There are so many things that I want to do that I'm either too lazy, scared or both to do.



I am going to write.

I'm lazy and I'm scared though.

I am going to write magical stories for children because I'm a child at heart and believe that stories have the power to enchant and to teach wisdom. I am going to write stories for adults because the world needs more adults that are more like children in terms of exercising their imaginations. I am going to write poetry that makes me fall in love because I think words can be as beautiful as girls in summer dresses and pretty sandals.



I am going to read more.

I am going to to read more books that make me think about our world; how beautiful it is, how ugly it is. I am going to read more books that make me want to become a better person in our world. I am going to read books that make me laugh, cry and totally astound me. I am going to read books that shake my beliefs and make me see beyond my currents state. I am going to read more comic books because they make me happy and I think they are under-appreciated for the Joy they can bring. I am going to tell you about these books at parties, on the bus and wherever I meet you. I am going to write about these books on this blog.

I am going to watch more movies (I already watch a whole lot).

I am going to watch all of Woody Allen's movies because I met a lovely girl who started me out on them. I am going to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because it's her favourite movie and I realise that I actually have seen it and have been confusing it it with Finding Neverland in my head. I still don't remember what happened in it though. I had better just watch both movies.

I am going to run.

I am going to run like I did early last year. I am going to run through all of Cape Town. I don't want to run races or marathons; I am going to run to feel the life in me. I am going to exercise like I did early last year because it made me feel invested in my body. I am going to hike more. It's difficult for me but I am going to do it more because Cape Town has some beautiful views that take my breath away.

I am going to eat more and eat better because food is just amazing.

I am going to start a religion that honours pigs for being so goddamn tasty! I want pigs to understand that I love them even as I eat them. One day I will buy three or four pigs and will ensure that they are the happiest pigs in all of creation as a sign of my appreciation. I will refrain from eating them...

I am going to be happier and  I want for my friends, family and random strangers to be happy. I am going to work harder at work and do more with the time that I spend here because I love publishing. I am going to help make books that will make children grin from ear to ear.

I am going to save money because I met so many wonderful people from all over the world and I'd like to visit them all. I've fallen in love with a wonderful girl and I am going to go over to Amsterdam and kiss her.

I am going to hug my grandmother more, tease my sister more and tell my mother that I love her more.

So much to do!

I am going to play more video games because they are cool and I am going to hang out on the beach more because the ocean comforts and scares me.

Above all I am going to take Neil Gaiman's advice and live as only I can. I am going to make glorious mistakes and I am going to be kind.



I want for you to be happy because I love you for taking the time to read this. I might know who you are and I might not but I love you.

Have a great year :).

Friday, 2 August 2013

Occasional Letters to Death #2

Hi Dee,

I'm gonna go with Dee because I think you'd like that, what with the whole whimsical outlook that you have on... er... life. Tell me, what's the thing you have with the hotdogs? Now, don't get me wrong, I respect hotdogs as much as the next person but I'm not all that crazy about them. Give me a good boerewors roll on any day (yes, even Tuesdays when I'm ironing my socks) and I'm ready to go. I'm not sure where to but I'll be ready nonetheless. Well, I guess the one thing I won't ever be ready for is meeting you in person - boerewors or not. I've been down with sickness of late and that made me think of you a little. Look, I like you, I really do but I'm just no ready to meet you yet. The thing is that you're very pretty and I'm shy. I wouldn't quite know what to say and I'm usually a guy who knows what to say. Anyhoo, whatever, we'll see how that goes whenever you decide to pop over to get me... It'd be nice if it was later rather than sooner though.


A colleague lent me her copy of Endless Nights and it was quite cool reading about you and all your siblings. I must say that you are fairly patient, waiting for those people who locked themselves away from time on that island. I guess you have some time on your hands though. You must introduce me to Destiny! I think he's my new favourite of your siblings. He likes books (well, the one book but it's the book that contains all the stories ever told) and I like books so maybe we could get along. I have a friend, Sleuth, who's very much like him in demeanour so I can hang with him. Let me know hey. I like that guy. Also, tell Dream to cheer up a bit. He's been giving me odd visions at night of late. I don't mind odd things but lines need to be drawn. I really am not sure why these lines need to be drawn as opposed to painted or embossed but it is what it is. Be a good girl and tell him, why don't ya.



I plan to read more of Dream's stuff but Destiny needs to stop being so passive and also get stuff because I'd be very interested in reading his stuff.

It's been a while since I last wrote you and I apologise for that. It's a good thing that you're so patient. It's Friday over here and so I need to rush off to do Friday kind of stuff like go to the beach or whatever. Mainly whatever. Have yourself a good time hey and I'll write you again soon (the human version of soon, not the Endless one).

Later days,
Charles

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Letters to God #7: The Lord's Prayer



Pieces of Letters to God
Our Father, which art in heaven

Good day Big Guy in the sky :).

Hallowed by thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.

Well then, here we are and it's good to be here - to be so near You. I like looking up at the blue sky and know that Thou art there. Get it? You're up there making beautiful art. I read that we've managed to create multiverses in a lab the other day. This is probably old news to You, what with having created multiverses from the get go - Big Bang and all that. I imagine that You're proud though, Your creatures take after You. We live to create, or as Professor Tolkien more aptly put it, sub-create. If You've kept up with the news You know it's all doom and gloom down here - all rape and murder. That's what we do when we're not sub-creating. People are saying it's the end of days. I say it's the gentle and kind invasion of Your kingdom. It's like the bit in Final Crisis where non-existence invades existence - only it's gentle and kind. We're not being gentle and kind about it though. We're quite brutal in reaction to gentle and kind things. Do me a huge favour, would Ya? Carry Anene, Reeva and every single human being (everyone who was a potential generator of goodness beyond measure) who tragically passed away lately gently into your bosom. Send the Lady on the Grey to bear them away on her steed:

'He is gentle enough to bear the mightiest of you away on his broad back, and strong enough for the smallest of you' - Neil Gaiman.

Also, please forgive the folk who took their lives, even... Or rather, especially when we can't.

Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven

This is the bit about Your will and our free will that I don't understand so well. I get the end bit where evil will find that it has been serving You all along. What I don't get is what's happening in between - it gets murky there. Our will is pretty much reigning in the earth sphere right now. I'm not too sure what how the governance is top-side but down here it's Jacob Zuma.

Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgives us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.

Padre Nostro

Padre nostro che sei nei cieli,
sia santificato il tuo Nome,
venga il tuo Regno,
sia fatta la tua Volontà
come in cielo così in terra.
Dacci oggi il nostro pane quotidiano,
e rimetti a noi i nostri debiti
come noi li rimettiamo ai nostri debitori,
e non ci indurre in tentazione,
ma liberaci dal Male.

At this point the whole world needs a hug. I'm not sure about the rest of the multiverse but give them a hug too. There's a lot of pain and suffering doing the rounds. People are in great need of daily bread, daily hugs and just good ol' fashioned daily love. Hook us up, ol' G. We need a whole new level of strongs for the forgiving some trespasses bit. Folks is nasty out there lately and John Legend's approach seems to be the most attractive: "Now I’m not afraid to do the Lord's work, You say vengeance is his but I'm'ma do it first." It's a bit of a steep learning curve as You can see. I can't speak for the rest of humanity on this one but I need my trespasses forgiven. At the rate I'm going I'm a burglar! Temptation is pretty much everywhere and hard to avoid. You've seen the second The Lord of the Rings movie, right? There's the scene where Gollum's leading Frodo and Sam through the Dead Marshes and tells them not to look at the dead faces in the water. That's pretty much the first thing Frodo does! They aren't even cute hobbit girls in revealing dresses, just creepy, dead faces and Frodo's tempted to look. Temptation is rough. Deliverance from evil is straight up necessary though, hey. We need every form of escape we can get from evil's gaping maw.

That's it for now, Big Guy. Later times.

For thine is the kingdom,
The power, and the glory,
For ever and ever
Amen.

Monday, 30 April 2012

Occasional Letters to Death #1

'It's funny but on good days I don't think of her so much. In fact never. I never just say hi when the sun is on my tongue and my belly's all warm. On bad days I talk to Death constantly, not about suicide because honestly that's not dramatic enough. Most of us love the stage and suicide is definitely your last performance and being addicted to the stage, suicide was never an option - plus people get to look you over and stare at your fatty bits and you can't cross your legs to give that flattering thigh angle and that's depressing. So we talk. She says things no one else seems to come up with, like let's have a hotdog and then it's like nothing's impossible.' - Tori Amos, Introduction to Neil Gaiman's Death: The High Cost of Living


"Mr Gaiman portrays you as a beautiful young woman with life bursting at the seams ..."

Hi, Charlie b3an-Champ here.

I like you, I think. I'm not sure with all the reaping you do on a daily basis. I like the manner in which Neil Gaiman embodies you, at any rate. I also like the manner in which Tori Amos speaks of you. I feel slightly uncomfortable at how cool you are when it's all said and done. You're even cool in Supernatural, what with your old-money swagger, that haunting song by Jen Titus as an intro and your cool conversations with Dean about reaping God. Gosh! You're even cool in Steven Erikson's The Malazan Book of the Fallen as Hood - who waits at the end of every scheme. You're supposed to be life's greatest enemy, the Grim Reaper and all the other scary personas. Mr Gaiman portrays you as a beautiful young woman with life bursting at the seams instead. Take the Greek pantheon as an example, no one likes Hades. He (you?) doesn't even like himself. If he were not Death he'd kill himself. Anyway, I digress. What I was saying is that I like you and that I'd like to talk to you once in a while. Even though you scare me. I want to learn from you about life. Ironic, I know, but I think you know stuff. I talk to God a lot and figure I might as well learn from you as well. Are you okay with that? We'll just talk. I'll buy you hotdogs. I bet you'd like that.


Old-money swagger.
'I know Death is somewhere inside of me. She was the kind of girl all the girls wanted to be, I believe, because of her acceptance of "what is." She keeps reminding me there is change in the "what is" but change cannot be made till you accept the "what is."'

I want to learn this, accepting "what is". I'm no good at that. Last year I was seeing a creepy raven haired Eastern European therapist who was good at listening to me. You'd like her. She listened more than other therapists because she was still new. She never really helped me resolve any issues but we talked and it was cool. I told her I have issues with dealing with reality and she agreed. The point is that even though I have a hard time dealing with reality it doesn't have a hard time dealing with me. Thus I must learn how to accept "what is". Then I can start being made into a better being.


"Nor was he known as a melodramatic god - the Lord of Death was reputed to be, if anything, ironically modest."


'Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.'

I'm uncomfortable with feeling defeated and I don't like indulging the feeling but sometimes the machine just breaks and I descend into the circular ruins of my blasted mindscape. A dear friend of mine, Shannon, once told me that I need to 'feel' what I feel. That made me sad because if I 'felt' all I felt I fear I should burst. I'll give it a go and we'll see :).

I'm certain you and I can have good chats. I'll hit you up hey and I wasn't joking about those hotdogs, you'll get them.

Be cool.