Occasional Letters to Death #3 / Letters to God #8 / Chill Sessions with Joy #1

"Fool," said my Muse to me, "look in thy heart, and write."

- Sir Philip Sidney

Hello,

Death, God, Joy,

Remember me? It's been a while since I wrote to you last. I apologise. Life happened. I should be thankful for Life, I guess.

Death, you've been sticking quite close to me these last years. I won't even front, your call has been very enticing and I'm hoping to find a way to stave you off a while by writing these letters. I'm trying for that Drake More Life kind of thing.

God, how are you? I sure have strayed far from the flock. I've been busy being woke. So, no time to talk when I don't even know if I believe. The prodigal son returns it would seem.

Joy, I've been very far from you, indeed. You think it would be okay if we talk every now and then?

"Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show"

I'm 32 now! I've has some success and just a whole lot of failure. I got married. In that time I've caused my wife more tears than laughter.  I miss laughter. I became part of a team writing children's books. That fell apart. I joined a team working on some EduTech software. That relationship fell apart. Life's been hard but I really want to change that for the better. So, I'm thinking that I need to sit down and put my thoughts to paper, make that commitment.

I want to fall in love with Life. I'm hoping that turning to verse or, rather, turning to the written word in general, I can explore that love in fall deeper into it in the process. I'm 32 now and can feel that this living in the light of past mistakes isn't working out for me. I need to do better and to be better.

I've picked up my pen again and hope that these sessions with all of you result in me being a better person.

Let's talk again, right? This is good, right?

Charles

Letters to Life, Death and God: Things We Lost in the Fire

Dear Life, Death and God,

I hope you guys are well. I haven't written in a while. I've been busy living, dying and questioning everything. Here we are now, though, and I want to speak to you about loss. I love Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy as you know and I feel like a loser in the sense of Peter Quill's speech near the end of that movie. I am someone who has lost a lot of things. My friends and family are losers in this sense too.

Loss is a large part of the human experience. We lose things like keys and cellphones and that can be annoying. We lose friends and lovers and that can be heartbreaking. We lose people to you, Death and we succumb to grief for ourselves left behind and for them and whatever mysterious end or new beginning you offer. As humans we cannot avoid loss; it seems to be one of the prices we pay for the gift of Life.

Loss has been on my mind a lot lately. I look at my life up to this point and realise just how much I have lost and when I weigh it all up against everything I have gained I'm not sure how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for everything I have and my life is rather charmed in its own weird way. It seems that I've had to lose quite a great deal to get to where I am now. Life seems to be very much like a game of chess in which you sacrifice pieces to win the game. I have been thinking about those pieces lately, the things we lost in the fire as Bastille puts in their song. I miss my sacrificed chess pieces because I loved them and I'm a mildly OCD hoarder. Matter matters to me. I miss all my old books, video games and people.

My reference point in life is always stories, especially in the form of books and like any reader worth their salt (I prefer pepper though) I collect books and fill them as much with memories and emotions as they fill me with good stories, bad stories or just outright weird ones. I have lost many books on my journey. I left some of them with good people that I know will love and cherish them and I have left some of them with people I'm sure won't even care what happens to them. I don't know, I'm just feeling nostalgic and sad for my old things and friends.

To tell you the truth, guys, I'm really just scared of what the future holds for me. I'm almost 30 and have not even achieved half the things I dreamt about when I was 18. I live in limbo, I avoid my family as much as possible except now people are dying and I feel guilty about avoiding them and the girl I love lives on another continent. So, yeah, I'm a little scared moving forward. Life, your fire is hot and I don't know whether I will be consumed or refined by your flames.

Lots of people are doing so much better than me and I won't lie, I hate those people. Fuckin' hard working, intelligent, never-give-up-guts assholes! Lots of people are doing worse than me and I'm lucky that I have a job that I like (and seems to like me), my family still tolerates my shit, I have money for food and beer, I have a girl who loves me, I have friends that like me or at least are nice enough to pretend to like me (pretending goes a long way) and though I have moved a million times in the last two years I have a place to sort of call home. Still, fuck you guys a bit for being so demanding! Life with all your shit, Death with you crazy efficiency (you're probably German) and God for all your silence. Fuck me a bit too, though! You guys are not the biggest asshats to me. In fact I'm a huge asshat to myself in many instances.

Anyhoo, that's just what I'm thinking and feeling at the moment. I just feel like a loser right now and just wanted you guys to know and maybe get a hug. I like hugs.

Letters to God #7: The Lord's Prayer

Pieces of Letters to God

Our Father, which art in heaven

Good day Big Guy in the sky :).

Hallowed by thy Name.

Thy kingdom come.

Well then, here we are and it's good to be here - to be so near You. I like looking up at the blue sky and know that Thou art there. Get it? You're up there making beautiful art. I read that we've managed to create multiverses in a lab the other day. This is probably old news to You, what with having created multiverses from the get go - Big Bang and all that. I imagine that You're proud though, Your creatures take after You. We live to create, or as Professor Tolkien more aptly put it, sub-create. If You've kept up with the news You know it's all doom and gloom down here - all rape and murder. That's what we do when we're not sub-creating. People are saying it's the end of days. I say it's the gentle and kind invasion of Your kingdom. It's like the bit in Final Crisis where non-existence invades existence - only it's gentle and kind. We're not being gentle and kind about it though. We're quite brutal in reaction to gentle and kind things. Do me a huge favour, would Ya? Carry Anene, Reeva and every single human being (everyone who was a potential generator of goodness beyond measure) who tragically passed away lately gently into your bosom. Send the Lady on the Grey to bear them away on her steed:

'He is gentle enough to bear the mightiest of you away on his broad back, and strong enough for the smallest of you' - Neil Gaiman.

Also, please forgive the folk who took their lives, even... Or rather, especially when we can't.

Thy will be done in earth,

As it is in heaven

This is the bit about Your will and our free will that I don't understand so well. I get the end bit where evil will find that it has been serving You all along. What I don't get is what's happening in between - it gets murky there. Our will is pretty much reigning in the earth sphere right now. I'm not too sure what how the governance is top-side but down here it's Jacob Zuma.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgives us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

Padre Nostro

Padre nostro che sei nei cieli,
sia santificato il tuo Nome,
venga il tuo Regno,
sia fatta la tua Volontà
come in cielo così in terra.
Dacci oggi il nostro pane quotidiano,
e rimetti a noi i nostri debiti
come noi li rimettiamo ai nostri debitori,
e non ci indurre in tentazione,
ma liberaci dal Male.

At this point the whole world needs a hug. I'm not sure about the rest of the multiverse but give them a hug too. There's a lot of pain and suffering doing the rounds. People are in great need of daily bread, daily hugs and just good ol' fashioned daily love. Hook us up, ol' G. We need a whole new level of strongs for the forgiving some trespasses bit. Folks is nasty out there lately and John Legend's approach seems to be the most attractive: "Now I’m not afraid to do the Lord's work, You say vengeance is his but I'm'ma do it first." It's a bit of a steep learning curve as You can see. I can't speak for the rest of humanity on this one but I need my trespasses forgiven. At the rate I'm going I'm a burglar! Temptation is pretty much everywhere and hard to avoid. You've seen the second The Lord of the Rings movie, right? There's the scene where Gollum's leading Frodo and Sam through the Dead Marshes and tells them not to look at the dead faces in the water. That's pretty much the first thing Frodo does! They aren't even cute hobbit girls in revealing dresses, just creepy, dead faces and Frodo's tempted to look. Temptation is rough. Deliverance from evil is straight up necessary though, hey. We need every form of escape we can get from evil's gaping maw.

That's it for now, Big Guy. Later times.

For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever

Amen.

Letters to God #6

'Please, I want so badly for good things to happen.' - Sylvia Plath

Pieces of Letters to God

Hi Big G,

How are You doing today? I'm going to gym in a bit, which is pretty much the only thing that's working out for me. I spend most of my days pretty much looking forward to gym - it's a cool drug to be addicted to as far as I can make out. It's much better than my addiction to coffee.

Tell me, Big G, what's Your workout routine like? It must be hard finding a sparring partner or someone to spot You. No one can claim to understand #GodWorld problems, You're pretty much on Your own. If You ever want to grab some ice-cream we can do that and I really don't mind listening.

Mother's sick and she's quite stubborn in her ways - which are unhealthy ways. She doesn't look after herself and that's not working out well. I'm worried and don't know what to do. I'm not the best son at the best of times. It's like that dude who wrote Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Edward Albee is it? That guy. He said that his adoptive parents weren't good at being parents and he wasn't good at being a son and so they parted ways. I don't think I want it to come to that. I like my people a little bit. May I please have some guidance in this area. Thanks a lot.

'I wanna be the best who ever did it

Don't know if that goal is feasible, or it isn't

But if it is then God, if you're listenin'

Please grant me the strength to crush all competition

You can't blame me for dreaming, I'm a dreamer

And if I'm coming off brash please forgive me

But, that's all I want'

- Eminem on Slaughterhouse's Our House

I'm working that inspiration angle like a geometer! I'm in my writing lab everyday now, working on a mixture of words that matter and carry enough weight to uplift hearts. I'm trying to discover the God particles that make up the words that will bring contentment to my soul. I even got a tattoo that reads: Imagine on my wrist to inspire me to sit my ass down and imagine new, shiny horizons on my keyboard. I've mucked up a lot and continue to do so - it's a hard tangle to get out of but I want to flip that shit and become a laptop toting media ninja, killing folk with sneaky insights into everything nerdy entertainment. Please keep giving me the mana potions to blast down media doors and write well.

'I am over 25

And I can't make a name for myself

Some nights I break down and cry'

- fun., One Foot

I don't even know what to say about my other pursuits hey... Life, love, money, drugs, beer and all the rest. It's a murky puddle I frown upon every morning. Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. I frown. The other night I thought about killing myself with a shoe or something. My sister says You're against that sort of thing though. So no shoes then?

'Oh my God! Have you listened to me lately?

Lately, I've been fucking crazy...'

- fun., Some Nights (Intro.)

I've also let some very good people down lately and I'm sorry for that. It's not my intention to ever hurt people so please send them all some good vibes if You can. Well, I know You can. I guess I mean if You think it'll help. I'm sad about this.

I'm re-visting Middle-earth and that's nice. It's like that Mandela 27 years thing where I imagine he felt every inch of his struggle and it all felt very righteous. The Elves make their sorrow in their struggle against Morgoth seem cool, they make it matter more than everyday pain. My sorrow always just feel lame - just like my life sucks and that's it, there's no other purpose there. Anyhoo, Middle-earth is a nice escape from the day-to-day crap of my so-called real life. If You're in that sort of mood please send me a The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe sort of adventure. I'm too old, I know but it would be nice. Or You can send me my ex-therapist, Ursula. She was cool.

"Please keep giving me mana potions..."

It's always pretty rad-ical talking to You and telling You about all the strange things that befall me. I imagine our creator/creature relationship in the image of a puppy bringing its master a stick because masters love sticks - it's cute. Have Yourself a great evening and and say hi to the Heavenly host for me.

Love,

b3an_Champ

Letters to God #5

Hey there Big G,

Pieces of Letters to God

You're Life's manager, right? Well she gave me lemons and doesn't want to take them back. I don't care for lemonade or jumping back into the public eye and squirting lemon juice in it, like that Eminem fellow. So here I am, talking with You.

In fact these lemons are going a long way in souring my life: I lost my wallet because of them, lost a friend's money and computer hardware. My favourite pair of jeans died. All these little things keep happening and I blame the crate of lemons.

This crate of lemons is just sitting here and doing nothing for me. Could you just take them off of my hands so that I can utilize the space for something else - like placing my new sweet hat on?

Please do that for me.

That is all, Sir.

Amen and good day.

Letters to God #4.1.3.4

Hello there, Big G.

Pieces of Letters to God

I hope You're well and all. I started writing you a letter some time back but then my train of thought got derailed... What I wanted to say was significant in some manner so I shall keep it in the wings till it feels the need to resurface again.

Onward march to today then, I'm seeing Red. I want Red October to take flight and be all kinds of cool, You know. So, yeah, please provide me with some guidance on this long, hard and pretty satisfying (reading this again, I realised how that can apply to things other than what I mean) road. Yes, that's what I need, You to hold my hand. That is all. Also, I have a Lady Love who needs some 'cute' added to her life. Could You do that for her please. She'll be cool with added 'cute'.

First things out of the way then. Good. Now I can proceed to tell You stories. Family hey. Scumbags. What's up with that? They're all annoying furry creatures that are in my face all day long. Do You have any qualms with me punching them? Just a little. I suck at the being all familial with my family, they annoy me too much. Bless their souls. I'd rather punch them - out of love and all that jazzy stuff.

Tell me, do You support football? Since working out with the boys and having to listen to them yap about it all day long about it I find it a little intriguing... When it's not being boring. So I was just wondering if You care for that football sort of thing. If I were You I'd not be able to really bring myself to care too much, but, Sir, I am not You.

Funny thing today :D. An old, and somewhat annoying, friend visited me today and a comment he made was the height of my day. He figures that when You chucked Lucifer out of Heaven You made a mistake by not stripping him of his angelic powers. I just loved how serious he was about the matter. So, Big G, You made a boo boo there.

I'm out. g2g, as the cool kids say. I love You madly (which is to say that even when I'm mad at You I love You).

P.S. I'm listening to the radio and there's a guy preaching about how You like 'bastards, cripples and broken things'. It's really cool. I'm a bastard and a broken thing. Just saying ;).

Letters to God #4

Hello there Big G,

Pieces of Letters to God

I'm feeling as grey as the dreary sky outside. Things are just not falling into place it would seem. My efforts at pushing hard at this life business seem quite measly in the greater scheme of things. I'm feeling all sorts of sorry for myself. I'm not that great at life it would seem. If you left breathing to me I'd make a mess of it somehow I bet. Ah, well. I'll just sit here and share my feelings of inadequacy with the sky. That's what I'll do. Life's giving me lemons and I don't like them much but I can handle them in a pinch.

Anyway, all the soppy stuff aside, how are You? Are You still on top of all things wonderfully wibbly and mysterious? Do tell a boy. I like listening to the small sound of Your still, soft voice in the din of the roaring thunder.

Letters to God #3

Hello Big G,

Pieces of Letters to God

It's Charlie again. I'm here a lot lately - lots to say and nothing at all at the same time, sound and fury. The thing that keeps me coming back is what You've done with the throne room, very nice! The clouds drifting through the whole space and the throne carved into a mountain peak is just a nice touch. You've always had great taste though, one need only look at trees, the ocean or the stars in the heavens to know that You're balling.

 I'm lost, You know. I'm not sure where to begin with everything that's happening to me. This is my chance to build something beautiful, something I can write You about and You'd smile in approval. I have plans, blueprints, maps and all that great stuff effective people always have on their desks but I've no idea what to do with them. I spend most of my time staring at all of my plans and frowning a little. Would You terribly mind telling me what the first step is? All I want is to do something constructive that I'll enjoy, that'll make someone else out there (in the horizon I guess) breathe a little easier, that'll pay my bills, pay for Mass Effect 3 and allow me to watch the second season of Game of Thrones, that sort of thing, You know. I want to do something that gets me excited about being alive and all. I don't mean that it has to tickle me all day long but it has to get me going. The stuff I have planned can do this for me I suspect and that's why I need a little kick start.

The clouds drifting through the whole space and the throne carved into a mountain peak is just a nice touch. 

Sifting it all through my mind works out a little like this: Big Five literacy programmes, GAM (this one's uber big), NAG, Food and Trees for Africa and company. Those are the big players that I can access in the tangle of my brain right now. Commendable don't You think? Well, I hope You do think it's worth pursuing.

I guess it's all about time management in the end. I think my 24 hours are broken, they go by much faster than other people's. If I do one useful thing a day it's a miracle (sorry for having You perform so few miracles). I've got to learn how to do the time management thing and the getting things done thing while I'm at it.

I dozed off on a comfy cloud for a bit. Had a mini-dream that featured Whiskeyjack as a ghost in the supporting role. Not an Oscar performance but still cool.

Because Grunt has rights too.

Before I go, we had Human Rights Day this week, do the other sentient races celebrate that sort of thing? Like a Krogan Rights Day? I wonder.

Okay, later.

Love,

Your b3anbag

Letters to God #2

Dear God,

Pieces of Letters to God

Hello, I hope You're well today. It's raining here again, but that's in my head only. I guess You know that though, but it's still cool telling You all these mundane things. It's like in that Jeffrey Archer story where bargaining with the Turkish rug dealers over a cup of coffee is an enjoyable part of the interaction. I'm feeling a shade of colour between blue and green, I'm not really sure what that's about to tell You the truth. It's just one of those days.

I'm still waiting on that bottled inspiration. I don't mean to rush You or anything but it would be useful right about now. There are things that need doing in this little life of mine. Thank You in advance.

Then there are all these people on the social networks always trying to emotionally blackmail me into loving You. Silly things like,'If you love God you will forward this and if you love the devil you won't.' That irks me very much. It's such religious masturbation! Are You opposed to smiting a few of these people? I'm even willing to work for You in that capacity - just riding around smiting a few ridiculous people, Ghost Rider style (silly movies, those). Mind You, I've not given the whole business much thought and I might end up not enjoying it and whining like a girl somewhere down the line. I'm just saying.

Tell me, do You think I should be going to Church again? Don my dragon helm and go to the meeting with Your other soldiers? I'm not much of a team player or anything useful like that, but, who knows, I could be of some use and those guys annoy me only a little bit. I don't even get bored and only rarely do I feel like arguing with anyone's views. I'll take my queue from You on that one. Send me a crop sign or something. I don't know.

"Don my dragon helm and go to the meeting with Your other soldiers?"  

Clearly these conversations are going to be somewhat ridiculous on my end. I know You have a ridiculous streak too though, so this might be a good thing. I look forward to those occasions during which we solve world hunger and then realise our plan is too elaborate to successfully implement. Travie wants to know what Your favourite brand is since the devil favours Prada and all. I want to know what Your favourite beer is and whether it's safe for Charlie consumption.

I'm feeling sleepy and Game's shouting in my ears about some city and the angels in it. I'm gonna go now. Have Yourself a great day. Much love. I'll pop in again soon.