Friday, 23 November 2012

Some Nights I Chat to the Interwebs


Some time in the evening, on a couch.

"Have you listened to me lately / Lately I've been going crazy!" - fun.

 Good evening Interwebs,

I trust that you’ve been well behaved and kept the shenanigans and tomfoolery at a minimum. I’m coming at you from the couch at the home front tonight – just to share a thought or two with you and a whole lot of imaginary vodka. Don't worry, I'm buying.

Me: Good evening Interwebs.
Interwebs: Good evening Charlie.

I'm just sitting here listening to some fun., Dia Frampton and The Mysterious Traveller radio drama, you know, a typical Thursday night for a cool cat such as myself. Dude, I gotta tell you. I straight up got to meet my future self the other day. Future Charlie was hanging out at a dingy bar and everything... I must say he's an oddball. He was feeling all kinds of suicidal and crap and had travelled to the past to kill himself. Sheesh! The nonsense future selves get up to. If I could travel back in time I'd fix things... No, wait, I've watched enough TV to know that doesn't work. I guess a spot in the past is an interesting place to kill oneself. Hmm... Go future Charlie. He was probably singing, 'I don't need a new love or a new life, just a better place to die.' Anyhoo, he still didn't have a beard so let's not pat him on the back too much. Before we parted he left me a letter that I’ve not opened yet but as soon as I do I’ll let you read it. I just hope it’s not as morbid as he is.

"I’m coming at you from the couch at the home front tonight..."

Aside: Daniel in Dia Frampton's song about him sounds like a really cool fellow, very quirky and all. He sleeps without pillows in a house on Cherry Street.

Tell me stories, Interwebs, what's been happening with you aside from all the illegal downloading and porn? Ah, people on social networks annoying you. Alas, you actually have to deal with everybody on social networks, you can't just unfollow them or unfriend them. Anyhoo, speaking of unfriending, how does one do that in real life? Some people just don't get that I don't want to hang with them, even after I'd said it. A tazer you say... I like the way you think. Have you thought about acquiring one for yourself to give those people who annoy you a little jolt? Google one that would deliver a fatal charge if administered correctly. It's a good thing we're friends, you and I, so my constant whining when I'm sad or jumping up and down when I'm happy doesn't annoy you. I'm a pretentious prick but you love me. I'll buy you more imaginary vodka if you say yes... Some nights (snicker) I sit here and tell you the biggest load of crap and act like it matters to the world at large and you listen, Interwebs, you listen to the stories about me killing my neighbours with paper planes carrying tiny nuclear explosives and you don't call the police folk. I like that about you.

Remember BB guns? I'm sure you do, what with your vault of infinite intelligence. Those were cool and would come with all the instructions about not shooting people or animals, your only allowed target of living things was plants and that was probably because everyone simply forgot to add them to the list. The guys who made BB guns wanted to sell children guns that are fun because you could shoot your friend’s eye out but at the same time wanted to promote non-violence. They should've added a tagline that reads: 'Enjoy BB guns responsibly. Don't shoot people, animals or plants. The only BBs we’re interested in now are of the RIM kind and they just aren’t as much fun as shooting your friend in the head and laughing whilst he cries.

Askew: Isabella should run away to Cherry Street and hook up with Daniel if he's not averse to the fact that she's a sleeping tiger come awake. The dude sleeps without pillows so I don't think he'd mind.

"equal opportunity brain cell destruction"
I’m tired now, all this imaginary vodka is going to my head and I need to lie down to evenly distribute it to all of my brain. I’m all about equal opportunity brain cell destruction after all. Listen, it was really nice talking to you and even though both of us deserve certificates for lunacy to proudly hang on our walls I think we’re okay. I’ll hit you up again soon and we can feed our imaginary alcohol habit. Be cool my slice of home.

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