Monday, 30 April 2012

Occasional Letters to Death #1

'It's funny but on good days I don't think of her so much. In fact never. I never just say hi when the sun is on my tongue and my belly's all warm. On bad days I talk to Death constantly, not about suicide because honestly that's not dramatic enough. Most of us love the stage and suicide is definitely your last performance and being addicted to the stage, suicide was never an option - plus people get to look you over and stare at your fatty bits and you can't cross your legs to give that flattering thigh angle and that's depressing. So we talk. She says things no one else seems to come up with, like let's have a hotdog and then it's like nothing's impossible.' - Tori Amos, Introduction to Neil Gaiman's Death: The High Cost of Living

"Mr Gaiman portrays you as a beautiful young woman with life bursting at the seams ..."

Hi, Charlie b3an-Champ here.

I like you, I think. I'm not sure with all the reaping you do on a daily basis. I like the manner in which Neil Gaiman embodies you, at any rate. I also like the manner in which Tori Amos speaks of you. I feel slightly uncomfortable at how cool you are when it's all said and done. You're even cool in Supernatural, what with your old-money swagger, that haunting song by Jen Titus as an intro and your cool conversations with Dean about reaping God. Gosh! You're even cool in Steven Erikson's The Malazan Book of the Fallen as Hood - who waits at the end of every scheme. You're supposed to be life's greatest enemy, the Grim Reaper and all the other scary personas. Mr Gaiman portrays you as a beautiful young woman with life bursting at the seams instead. Take the Greek pantheon as an example, no one likes Hades. He (you?) doesn't even like himself. If he were not Death he'd kill himself. Anyway, I digress. What I was saying is that I like you and that I'd like to talk to you once in a while. Even though you scare me. I want to learn from you about life. Ironic, I know, but I think you know stuff. I talk to God a lot and figure I might as well learn from you as well. Are you okay with that? We'll just talk. I'll buy you hotdogs. I bet you'd like that.

Old-money swagger.
'I know Death is somewhere inside of me. She was the kind of girl all the girls wanted to be, I believe, because of her acceptance of "what is." She keeps reminding me there is change in the "what is" but change cannot be made till you accept the "what is."'

I want to learn this, accepting "what is". I'm no good at that. Last year I was seeing a creepy raven haired Eastern European therapist who was good at listening to me. You'd like her. She listened more than other therapists because she was still new. She never really helped me resolve any issues but we talked and it was cool. I told her I have issues with dealing with reality and she agreed. The point is that even though I have a hard time dealing with reality it doesn't have a hard time dealing with me. Thus I must learn how to accept "what is". Then I can start being made into a better being.

"Nor was he known as a melodramatic god - the Lord of Death was reputed to be, if anything, ironically modest."

'Over the last few hours I've allowed myself to feel defeated, and just like she said if you allow yourself to feel the way you really feel, maybe you won't be afraid of that feeling anymore.'

I'm uncomfortable with feeling defeated and I don't like indulging the feeling but sometimes the machine just breaks and I descend into the circular ruins of my blasted mindscape. A dear friend of mine, Shannon, once told me that I need to 'feel' what I feel. That made me sad because if I 'felt' all I felt I fear I should burst. I'll give it a go and we'll see :).

I'm certain you and I can have good chats. I'll hit you up hey and I wasn't joking about those hotdogs, you'll get them.

Be cool.

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