The G.I. Joe Collectionary

I don't have many nice things to say about the 2009 and 2013 G.I. Joe movies because they were rather terrible, you know. But I do have mad love for the original line of action figures (because boys don't play with dolls), the 1985 cartoon and some of the comic books (story arcs like G.I. Joe vs. the Transformers are a lot of good fun). The guys over at the G.I. Joe Collectionary must have made this connection somehow when they approached me to give them a little shout-out on this here space based on a movie review I wrote explaining why G.I. Joe: Retaliation was a terrible movie.

These guys have a huge collection (that's always being added to) of G.I. Joe merch. If you are a collector in any way you really must pop in and browse through their stuff. Heck! Pop in even if you have no idea what G.I. Joe is because it's just downright cool. I have added a cool link on the sidebar of this blog for you to click on whenever you want and this is like a magical portal to their site.

Other than that have a kick-ass day and watch out for those slithery Cobra villains.

My Magical Place: 47 Ronin Review

Let me start off by saying that this is a terrible movie! This is something you need to know just from the outset of this review. Save yourself some money and just wait for it on DVD. Even then don’t buy it, just hire it from the video store. Look, we can’t really have high expectations of a movie starring Keanu Reeves. He seems to be the guy directors call when they want to take really good stories like the Constantine comic books and turn them into movies people don’t really know how to react to. I mean, Reeves was even weird as Neo in The Matrix. He’s just a strange actor. I digress though; let’s just get back into why 47 Ronin is 118 minutes (Nu Metro’s and Ster-Kinekor’s ridiculous amount of trailers and ads aside) of your precious life given to a ridiculous venture.

The problem with this movie, strangely enough, is that it tries too hard to sell its weak plot to you and it tries to make you care about its shallow characters. I have no problem with the lack of a solid plot or weak character development in a movie about a fictionalised feudal Japan inhabited by honourable Samurai, witches, demons and other shady characters. In fact both those weaknesses usually make such a venture much better because you expect it to be cheesy and crammed to bursting with well-choreographed fight scenes accompanied by mind-bending CGI. 47 Ronin doesn’t do this! There are only a handful of fight sequences and they are pretty much average and the CGI, though quite good, isn’t that great or rather it isn’t used that effectively. Director, Carl Erik Rinsch tried to tell the story of the real-life 47 Ronin and make it very fantastical at the same time and failed on both counts. This movie, then, doesn’t reward the viewer in any way other than it being very pretty. The scenery takes your breath away and the costumes the characters wear are amazing.

The story centres on Lord Asono’s kingdom of Ako preparing to host a tournament in honour of a visit from the Shogun, the ruler of all of Japan. His beautiful daughter, Miko is in charge of all the ceremonial preparations and we learn that she is in love with Keanu Reeves’ character, the half-breed, Kai. He is an outcast because he is half Japanese and half British and was raised by the demons of the forest, the Tengu and was trained by them to fight and also learned some of their magical abilities, which he uses only once in the movie. He was adopted by Lord Asona but can never be a Samurai and everyone in the kingdom pretty much hates him. So much so that he lives in a hut in the outskirts of the kingdom. He is continuously beaten and humiliated throughout the movie for trying to help everyone. Oishi, the leader of the Samurai and later the 47 Ronin is the main protagonist even though he is pretty much dumb enough not to believe Kai when he warns them of the witch, Mizuki. Oishi is your usual honourable-to-the-death type of guy – a lot like Ned Stark from Game of Thrones. Lord Kira, ruler of the neighbouring kingdom, Nagato is the villain of the piece. He is your usual power hungry megalomaniac who seeks to rule all of Japan. He is a decent villain but his companion, Mizuki is the one that truly steals the show. She oozes sexy creepiness as a witch. What follows is a story of deception and revenge by 47 guys you really don’t care about.

Another thing that irked me is the misleading posters of the movie, mainly the heavily tattooed pirate guy displayed on all the material as the Renegade. He looks cool and you think he’s a prominent character till you find out he’s in the movie for less than five minutes. What the hell, man?

Who is this guy? He looks badass but he really isn't.

To conclude, this is a very bad movie. It is deadly dull and in no way captures the spirit of the real-life 47 Ronin who set out to avenge their master in 18^th-century Japan. It has some interesting moments and in the few instances when the action kicks in it’s done rather well but leaves you hungry for more. The story tries to engage you but doesn’t get it right. Save yourself some time and money and give this one a miss.

P.S. I am overlooking the fact that this movie could have been much better in Japanese with English subtitles.

To-do List

It's 2014 and this means only one thing! It's time to draw up a to-do list. That's important, right? How else will I know what to do over the next few months? Yes, a to-do list is totally legit.

Let's jump right into it then. Any weird and wild suggestions like world domination are most welcome on your part.

I have two really big things that hold me back in life; two really big hurdles that I must overcome in order to be a cooler kid than the rest. Laziness. Fear. I hate these fuckers with every string of my being (I'm a String Theorist at heart)! I want to do more with my time and energy. I need to do more with my time and energy. I worry about time a lot and always feel I should be using it as efficiently as possible. It's just that I don't because I'm too busy lying on the couch worrying about time. It's pretty much like that play, Waiting for Godot, it's goddamn awful! Not that I don't have a fond place in my heart for that play or lying on couches. I might have to see a doctor about this come to think of it. I am lazy but I also almost always feel very fatigued even if I don't do anything too strenuous.

So first on the list: overcome laziness. This is an ongoing affair that I'll have to deal with everyday of my life. Everyday I will wake up and fight the good fight, the bad fight and even the losing fight. Have you ever read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Silmarillion? No? You really should. Put it on your to-do list. At any rate, the High Elves in the stories are fighting what they call The Long Defeat against the first dark lord, Morgoth. They are involved in a war that spans thousands of years with this one guy... entity or whatever you want to call him and they bear it with the utmost grace. Sure, they lose their composure and do some stupid things like betray each other but overall they hold out till the very end. My battle with laziness shall be on that scale! Minus the thousands of years. A visit to the good ol' doctor for a check-up also goes under this entry on the list. Might as well see if all my parts are functioning as they should.

Bon Iver's cover of Peter Gabriel's Come Talk to Me always echoes the words, 'Whatever fear invents, I swear it makes no sense' in my head. Those words are so very true but fear has a power over people, over me. I know lots of the things that I should do but I am scared and that is not a good way to live. I have huge fears that tower over me like buildings and I have small fears that follow me around like shadows. This is another Long Defeat I'm engaging in. I will fight fear on every front of my life. I will stumble and I will fall but I will always get up and fight. I will crush my fears. I will crush them in 2014, I will crush them in 2024. Whatever the year, as long as I'm here and breathing I will crush fear!

(Dramatic much?)
(Also, check this out: What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid)

Managing just those two entries on my list will open so much more of the world to me. There are so many things that I want to do that I'm either too lazy, scared or both to do.

I am going to write.

I'm lazy and I'm scared though.

I am going to write magical stories for children because I'm a child at heart and believe that stories have the power to enchant and to teach wisdom. I am going to write stories for adults because the world needs more adults that are more like children in terms of exercising their imaginations. I am going to write poetry that makes me fall in love because I think words can be as beautiful as girls in summer dresses and pretty sandals.

I am going to read more.

I am going to to read more books that make me think about our world; how beautiful it is, how ugly it is. I am going to read more books that make me want to become a better person in our world. I am going to read books that make me laugh, cry and totally astound me. I am going to read books that shake my beliefs and make me see beyond my currents state. I am going to read more comic books because they make me happy and I think they are under-appreciated for the Joy they can bring. I am going to tell you about these books at parties, on the bus and wherever I meet you. I am going to write about these books on this blog.

I am going to watch more movies (I already watch a whole lot).

I am going to watch all of Woody Allen's movies because I met a lovely girl who started me out on them. I am going to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because it's her favourite movie and I realise that I actually have seen it and have been confusing it it with Finding Neverland in my head. I still don't remember what happened in it though. I had better just watch both movies.

I am going to run.

I am going to run like I did early last year. I am going to run through all of Cape Town. I don't want to run races or marathons; I am going to run to feel the life in me. I am going to exercise like I did early last year because it made me feel invested in my body. I am going to hike more. It's difficult for me but I am going to do it more because Cape Town has some beautiful views that take my breath away.

I am going to eat more and eat better because food is just amazing.

I am going to start a religion that honours pigs for being so goddamn tasty! I want pigs to understand that I love them even as I eat them. One day I will buy three or four pigs and will ensure that they are the happiest pigs in all of creation as a sign of my appreciation. I will refrain from eating them...

I am going to be happier and  I want for my friends, family and random strangers to be happy. I am going to work harder at work and do more with the time that I spend here because I love publishing. I am going to help make books that will make children grin from ear to ear.

I am going to save money because I met so many wonderful people from all over the world and I'd like to visit them all. I've fallen in love with a wonderful girl and I am going to go over to Amsterdam and kiss her.

I am going to hug my grandmother more, tease my sister more and tell my mother that I love her more.

So much to do!

I am going to play more video games because they are cool and I am going to hang out on the beach more because the ocean comforts and scares me.

Above all I am going to take Neil Gaiman's advice and live as only I can. I am going to make glorious mistakes and I am going to be kind.

I want for you to be happy because I love you for taking the time to read this. I might know who you are and I might not but I love you.

Have a great year :).

Lauren Beukes Milk raises a glass to Neil Gaiman's Fortunately, the Milk...

This could be one of the cutest things ever!

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - Ed Sheeran "I See Fire" [HD]

Woolworths tribute to Nelson Mandela - Woolies & the Soweto Gospel Choir

Of all the amazing tributes that people all over the world are making for our Mandela this one made me smile the most and brought a lone tear to my eye.

Farewell to our hero.

The Geek Flag: The Space Trilogy reviewed by Series Squared

The Geek Flag: The Space Trilogy reviewed by Series Squared: Series Squared reviews the complete C.S. Lewis Space Trilogy ...

Dragon Age 3 Snippets

BioWare has become synonymous with good RPGs over the years and the Dragon Age series is one of the best in their line-up. The third instalment, Dragon Age: Inquisition is looking to raise the bar higher and amaze gamers the world over next year. Dragon Age: Origins was a great game with some flaws and a derivative plot but it was well executed. BioWare dropped the ball a little with Dragon Age 2 but it was still a strong game. One of the things that make BioWare such a great developer is that they seem to get the fine balance of listening to community feedback and making their own innovations to their games.

Speaking of community feedback, they are running a Community Gameplay Styles and Preferences survey for Dragon Age: Inquisition. Check it out.

The position of Inquisitor comes with cool rings.

As far as I can make out from all the news doing the rounds on the interwebs, BioWare is taking everything that worked in the previous games and building Inquisition from that. EA’s Frostbite 3 engine will ensure that the journey back to Thedas not only looks great but also feels great.

Character creation will lean more towards the system in Origins and allow the player, in the role of Inquisitor this time around, to customise their character’s appearance in great detail. Characters will be highly customisable all the way down to how armour looks on them. The same breastplate will look different on different characters.

Expect a new and more fluid fighting system. BioWare’s still pretty hush, hush about this but from the above survey it looks like they’re trying to find the sweet spot between Origins and DA 2, with an inclination towards the way Origins did things.

It’s a BioWare game so you know you must keep your save files and that the choices you made throughout the previous two games will influence some of the elements in Inquisition. Perhaps some cameo appearances from your Warden or Hawke.

The guys over at BioWare have been playing a lot of Skyrim in order to ‘study’ its open world mechanics. We understand, you guys. Inquisition is set to be much larger in scale than its predecessors and allow players a greater deal of freedom. This is, of course, quite welcome. Don’t expect it to rival Skyrim in scale though and the gameplay will still be quite linear.

Oh, no! Boob cuts. The horror!

BioWare mentioned a multiplayer component so there is a chance of taking the journey through Thedas with a friend in co-op mode. I’m holding thumbs for this feature.

There’s honestly not too much being said about the game and all the puzzle pieces we have are very enticing. Personally, I want to know more about Varric and Cassandra. What’s the deal there? Then there’s the war between the Templars and the mages. As Inquisitor what is your mission and are you sided with the Templars?

Many questions and very few answers but it looks good and hopefully it delivers on all of its promises.

Kick-Ass Women in Gaming

Sexism in Gaming Kick-Ass Women in Gaming

This has been a great year for gaming in terms of what we already have to play and in terms of announcements. Here in sunny South Africa we had rAge last weekend and though I could not attend I know from all the media and attendees with lunatic grins on their faces that it was a good show. The gaming community is getting better all the time and anyone regardless of who they are can get in on the fun… Or can they? Surely we are past things like racism, sexism and other nasty –isms?

Sadly we are not. The biggest issue I’ve experienced as a gamer this year is the shocking amount of instances of sexism and misogynistic views in our beloved industry. In SA we already have a huge issue with crimes against women like rape and other forms of abuse. It’s tough being a woman in just day-to-day interactions and it breaks my heart that a community based on escapism and having fun can be sexist. Games are meant to be fun for everyone who wants to pick up a ‘joystick’ and play.

When I started writing this piece the idea was to point out in great and righteously angry detail how stupid male gamers can be and to refer to cases like the reactions when Remember Me was first announced and people were freaked out that they’d have to play as a heterosexual female protagonist who is – surprise, surprise – sexually interested in men. I was going to write a rant about the nasty, misogynistic and plain stupid attacks on Gamespot writer, Carolyn Petit’s GTA V review. I’m not going to do any of that, instead I’m going to celebrate three amazing women who are in the industry and are contributing towards making our favourite pastime even more enjoyable.

I think this year’s Tomb Raider is one of the best games of the year.  (If you don’t happen to think so please don’t send the KKK to my house – it’s just an opinion.) One of the people on Crystal Dynamics’ brilliant team that we can thank for a Lara Croft that’s actually likeable and actually more beautiful because she has a personality is Rhianna Pratchett, who served as the lead writer on the project. Rhianna earned her stripes writing for games like Overlord 1 & 2, Mirror’s Edge and my other favourite of the year Bioshock Infinite.

If you attended rAge you would’ve seen Noelle Adams’ amazing Lara Croft cosplay. She has big presence in the SA gaming scene. She writes, blogs, vlogs, Facebooks and Tweets all things nerdy and for that we like her. She’s sort of like Wonder Woman really.

Pippa Tshabalala was the MC at rAge this year and has an amazing presence in the SA gaming scene, what with having hosted a gaming show, The Verge and teaching 3D animation for a while. She writes or has written for many online and print publications and contributes much to the gaming scene.

Even though our beloved industry has a lot of growing up to do it’s a great community and everyone should be welcome to contribute and enjoy playing games.

The SA Nerd Scene Dons Its Vader Mask

We're rocking our Vader mask and we look good.

It's almost two years ago now that I speculated that the nerds are taking over in an article I wrote for Bizcommunity. Much like House Tyrell the movement has carried on growing strong since then -- minus the floral motif. All things nerdy are in everyone's face all the time and we love it. It's hard to believe that there was a time when people used to make fun of us.

Having always been an odd mixture of nerdy recluse who spends Friday evenings reading comic books and socialite who spends Friday evenings drinking too much and hugging strangers has given me a bit of insight into what nerds like and what so-called 'normal' people like. Nerds are a hardcore breed for the most part, we like details and getting the small things right in our stories. I remember getting into an argument with a sales person at a bookstore over a John Howe illustration on the cover of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lays of Beleriand some years back. She claimed that it was Sauron battling Aragorn (as if that ever happened) on the cover when it was clearly Morgoth's epic battle with Fingolfin. I lost my shit! We also get excited by small things like a cameo appearance by people or characters we admire in pretty much non-consequential scenes in movies or books. It's such weird things that make sensible people want to throw chairs at us. Normal folks, on the other hand, seem to just want some nice, relaxing fun. They don't give a damn whether Ben Affleck's going to be the next Batman or not as long as there is a Batman to enjoy. 

I find myself in the middle these days. I love how my nerdy side always wants more from the media I consume. I want to know about the old wars in Steven Erikson's Malazan books and I want to know what secret elixir he takes with his tea. I am also a whole lot calmer about whether or not the next Dragon Age game will be delayed or not. As long as I get it. I don't mind not playing GTA V till Christmas season when I have an Xbox again. It'll still be there and just as much fun. Let Ben Affleck be Batman and if he sucks let's kill him afterwards.

Nerdy culture is merging with the mainstream media people consume and that's cool. Pretty girls are wearing Batman t-shirts and jock types are drinking beer with nerd types whilst playing FIFA 13 or the latest iteration of Call of Duty. Everyone's having a good time doing cool and nerdy stuff together. Rainbow Nation vibes all-round.

I attended some interesting events and met some wonderful people in the last few months and it made me realise South Africans have arrived at the nerd party in a big way. We love coming late to the party and then just showing off about how cool we are. We're rocking our Vader mask and we look good.

Living in Cape Town and working at a publishing house meant I had no excuse to miss the 2013 edition of the Open Book Festival -- especially since work offered to pay for any of the events on the programme that I wished to attend. I opted for the SF and Fantasy sort of stuff, of course. They also had a comics festival running for the duration of the main festival and it was worth popping into. South African artists and writers were there sharing their experiences and running workshops for those interested in honing their craft.

Lauren Beukes was a huge presence at the fest and spoke about the state of SF and Fantasy in the country along with some badass writers like Charlie Human and Alex Latimer. She also gave out some very useful tips for aspiring writers looking to break into the writing industry. Be cheeky she told us, but don't be an asshat. One of my jobs as an editorial assistant is receiving manuscripts and it's disheartening how many people don't follow the simple instructions on our website, which results in us just chucking manuscripts in our furnace in the basement. You want your publisher to like you so be cool. Lauren, a publisher (forgot his name) and her agent (also forgot his name. These are the guys working tirelessly and selflessly in the shadows) related some horror stories of the creepy things writers do to try and get their work published. Don't be creepy, you guys. Or at least hide your creepiness and whip it out when you've made a name for yourself.

It's pretty rockstar to have homegrown SF stuff to read like Lauren Beukes' The Shining Girls (set in Chicago but still homegrown), which reads like one of Dean Koontz's classic 80s thrillers. I am a huge fan of villains I can feel a bit icky about liking. Koontz was a master of this in the 80s/90s and my high school days were spent admiring his serial killers and feeling all sorts of guilty about it. I probably still suffer from some complex as a result. Lauren Beukes' villain, Harper is of that breed and I liked that a lottle.

Charlie Human has Apocalypse Now Now out and it's a must-read and you are welcome to eat it as well afterwards if you're that way inclined. The story's set in Cape Town and it sounds like madness in the streets! Crazy shit like a16-year-old dude running a porn syndicate, a supernatural bounty hunter and a West African glowing man. You know you want some of that goodness in your life.

Alex Latimer's The Space Race is what I really want to get my filthy paws on! The idea of Afrikaners running a secret space programme out in the desert tickles the nonsense out of my fancy. First thing I thought when I heard about this book was Apartheid in space! Which I guess is not unheard of in SF... Think Orson Scott Card's Speaker for the Dead. Mad levels of Apartheid in that book. Also, Alex drew me a tiger when I met him at the Open Book Fest. Your argument is thus invalid!

My boss lady sent me link to a new South African indie publisher, Fox & Raven Publishing and they're pretty rad-ical! They describe themselves as: Artisan independent publishers of speculative fiction, non-fiction and many things in between. They had a slot at the Open Fest that I didn't catch all of and that's sad. I did get to tag along to tea with the dude behind the magic though, Marius du Plessis and he's a great guy who seems to have some great plans for adding to the SF and Fantasy scene here in SA. Look out for them and their stuff. Write some good short stories for them and give them tea if they think it's good enough to publish.

Comic books are like potato chips -- I just can't stop eating/reading them! (Yes, I read potato chips and eat comic books.) There are days when my life's as busy as a dumbledore or I'm just plain lazy and I feel bad for not reading as much as I'd like. Comics books are my salvation during such periods because I'm never too busy or lazy to read them. Last year saw the launch of a South African graphic novel, Rebirth. The premise: What if Jan Van Riebeeck (South Africa’s Christopher Columbus) had been a vampire? What if the Dutch East India Company, pioneering colossus of international trade in the 17th century, was in fact controlled by a Council of Vampires? Sounds pretty cool doesn't it? Yes, and it looks pretty too. I must be honest and say that I'm not the biggest fan of this book but Josh Ryba, Daniel Browde and Thenji Nkosi's effort still deserves mad hatter love.

I also recently got around to finishing Lauren Beukes and Inaki Miranda's take on Rapunzel in the Fairest spin-off of Bill Willingham's Fables series. Fairest: The Hidden Kingdom plays off in Japan for the most part and it's amazing how much Japanese lore is captured in the story. Inaki Miranda's artwork is some of the coolest I've seen in comic books. I recommend this wholeheartedly and it's not because I might have a crush on a kitsune. Lauren seems to enjoy keeping busy because I see she has a story, Birdie (illustrated by Gerhard Human) in a Vertigo anthology titled The Witching Hour. The story's set in a futuristic Cape Town and seems to contain some powerfully dark juju.

It embarrasses me to tell you that I've not seen Neil Blomkamp's Elysium yet because I was busy eating toast or something and the reviews weren't that great and I'm swayed by public opinion. The guy gave us District 9 so it can't be that bad. It also sounds a lot like Bioshock Infinite. It's on the list for the next movie night.

Speaking of Bioshock, rAge was last week. I missed it, of course, being in Cape Town and doing things like Rocking the Daisies. rAge is always amazing and brings together some of the coolest gamers, cosplayers, tabletop gaming enthusiasts, otakus, comic book nerds and confused looking girlfriends and boyfriends who've been dragged there by their nerdy better halves. rAge is the place where you see that SA has an amazing and vibrant nerdy community and that we are some cool people.

There are probably a lot of stuff I didn't mention because I don't know enough about them or anything at all. Take the indie game development scene as an example, I know it exists but I have no clue what they're getting up to. Better people than me do and it's best to always look and ask around regarding what everyone is up to.

There are always some cool happenings somewhere near you so get your nerd swag on :).